I believe we all go through life trying to figure out who to trust and not trust. We evaluate how someone makes us feel, their actions towards us and others, and how they treat the world. Sometimes we even experience our intuition or a gut feeling that someone just cannot be trusted. Or the opposite can happen… We may meet someone who instantly feels like family.
But, have you ever stopped to think, “do I even trust myself?”
As I was working through the first 8 weeks of my Hunger for Happiness Certification, I was rolling along all fine and dandy until the topic of TRUST came up. All of you know by now that I loved learning the concept of the three pillars of connection and that I was in awe of the impact that inner child work had on my life.
But trust was like a big slap in the face! It turned out to be the biggest and best slap I could ask for though!
Trusting My Voice
I used to spend so much time disconnected from my body. Instead I was stuck in my head and thoughts. I would bad mouth myself, tell myself I was stupid for x, y, or z, or that I was not good at my job. I picked my body apart, the things I said, and the things I did (or did not do). There was no trust that I was ever doing or saying the right things.
Not trusting myself made me feel so much shame for so many things.
For example, I would tell myself I wanted/needed to do something, something as simple as calling the doctors to make an appointment. But I would talk myself out of it, avoid it, because I didn’t want to sound stupid on the phone. I didn’t want them to judge me. But then I would beat myself up for not being able to just make the darn phone call.
I didn’t (sometimes still don’t) trust myself to be able to speak clearly and to make sense. I had no sense of trust in myself! It got to the point where I would need to write down what I would say. I always felt like I had to prepare because I did not trust that I could just naturally say what I wanted to say.
Not trusting myself has made me procrastinate and avoid so many things.
For the past 4 years I have been telling myself I need and want to get my tattoo (that is scarred from MRSA) touched up. I wanted to do this so that I felt better and was more confident when the tattoo was showing. But I never made the appointment (at least not until 2 days ago!!!) because I didn’t trust myself to say the right thing and that I would end up with an even worse tattoo cover up.
For years I wanted to share my eating disorder story. But for years I talked myself out of it because I didn’t trust myself to be able to say the right things. I did not trust myself to come across true and authentic. Instead, I feared what others would say and that they would think I was just doing it for attention. I created stories in my own damn head!
I avoided things to protect myself. My own mind talked me out of so many things I needed and wanted to do. I was missing out on so much because of lack of trusting myself!
Meeting a stranger though? You best believe I could trust them!
You guys will laugh at this, but Sunday Jose and I decided that we want to hire someone to help us design our backyard for more privacy from our neighbors. I told him I would do the research and call someone. As you have all learned by now, six months ago, I would have done the research and then avoided calling them, eventually pawning it off on Jose. I am proud to say I called someone yesterday and everything worked out perfectly. I did not stress about what I was going to say, I didn’t practice it in my head, etc. It is amazing how much less stress and more time you have when you trust yourself!
Mom! If you are reading this, remember when I used to have you call my friends for me in middle school!
For the past 3 decades, I have not trusted myself to be able to say the right thing. To clearly articulate what I mean.
But now, I can’t tell you how liberating and amazing it feels to finally begin to find my voice.
Honestly, I feel less restriction, less aching in my throat chakra. Those of you reading this, I am sure you can relate. Have you ever wanted to say something but just couldn’t find the words, stressed over finding the right thing to say, and then just felt closed up and restricted in your throat?
I found that this happened to me all the time because I did not trust myself to say the right things.
I am finding trust in my voice.
And guess what, it didn’t take some magical, healing trip into the jungle, special CBD water, or 12 weeks of therapy. It took me simply being aware of the concept of trusting myself and then settling into my body, not my mind. Within a week I noted areas that needed work and I started small!
Now, this is not the only thing I have found trust within myself in the past few years. I have also found trust in my body, with food, and with exercise.
Trusting My Relationship With Food And Exercise
I trust that by simply listening to my body I will know exactly what my body needs for health and happiness. I listen to it when it wants a green smoothie or when it wants tater tots and a burger. Now I eat the cake or chocolate covered almonds without counting calories in my head. I ease up on my exercise intensity or take a rest day when my body needs it. And guess what, I don’t spiral out of control, I don’t gain 10 pounds over night, I don’t lose my fitness. If anything, I am happier, healthier, stronger, and physically/ mentally the best I have ever been.
Sadly it is so hard for us to find trust in the food and body world.
We see this all the time in the diet industry. One day we should eat vegan, the next we should eat Keto. Now we should do intermittent fasting. So we make promises to ourselves. I will eat this, that, or only during this certain time. Then as you intuitively realize that a certain diet or way of eating is not meant for you, you start to veer off course and then you shame yourself for not sticking to it. You lose trust in yourself and you may spiral even more into anxiety, depression, etc.
But, if you get out of your head, and drop into your body, you will learn first, what is it that your body truly needs to satisfy both health and hunger. And you will put a stop to the endless chatter, the cycle of shame and guilt, and the feeling of failure. You will start to trust yourself.
You see, trusting yourself can come in all shapes and forms. I trust myself with food, exercise, and my body. I am learning to trust my voice. As I continue down the path I will probably uncover many more things and develop even more trust within.
Ask yourself this right now, on scale from 0-10, 10 being the most and 0 being nothing at all, how much do you trust yourself?
Now imagine, if you did trust yourself, what would you be doing differently? What would life look like?
What things are you missing out on doing or feeling, simply because you do not trust yourself?
Give yourself the same compassion, patience, and attention that you give everyone else.
Show up for yourself, prove to yourself that you are trust worthy.
You deserve it my love.
My lessons so far in trust:
Trusting myself allows me to get more things done and to live a more full and abundant life.
It allows me to break down my avoidant habits, habits that I thought were protecting me, but really were hindering me.
Trusting myself allows me to speak more clearly and confidently.
Trust has allowed me to live a healthier and happier life.
Trust is a never ending journey.
Share with me what you have learned!