This is the final post of a 3 part series that is designed to simply and vulnerably provide an introduction. I recommend reading part 1 and part 2 to help to understand this final post, CrossFit Gave Me My Life Back. My overall goal of this blog is to discuss all things related to Health and Wellness, not just about eating disorders. You can read a little bit more about my goals in my very first post and here.
My intention with this blog is to purely connect with other women and curate a community focused on all aspects of health and wellness with emphasis on:
- Letting Joy in
- Creating and improving lifestyle habits to meet you where you are at
- Saying no to the negative self-talk
- Weekly exercises for both Mind & Body exercises
I felt like I had to come clean about my past before I could fully dive into defining and creating Confetti Wellness. At first it will be messy, but at least I am starting.
“Be authentically true to yourself, and your tribe will find you”
This is where I left off in my last post:
I just started to date my now husband. The compulsive eating greatly improved just out of fear of him knowing the truth about me. But as the compulsive eating lessened, my negative, nasty self-talk blew up.
Every morning I would wake up and I would hate myself. Literally hate myself for anything I could think of from the previous day that was less than perfect. I would hate how I handled something small at work. Hated how maybe I did something to upset my now husband or that maybe I was not the best I could be for him. I hated what I had chosen to eat. Hated how I could not “diet” to lose some of the weight from the compulsive eating because I was scared to go back to anorexia.
All of that started in 2014 when we started to date and I remember still having those thought when we moved into our new house in 2016. Every morning I would feel like this and I have journal entries to remind myself how horrible I was.
Dear Myself, I am sooo stinkin’ sorry for what I did to you!
But every morning I would go out for a run and this calmed down my dark side. After that I could go about my day without too much interruption from my thoughts. Then in the evening I would start to make promises to myself to not let my dark side come out the next morning. Motivation, happiness, and kindness for my body would wash over me and I would be soo excited and full of anticipation for the next morning. However, when I would wake up, all of that would be gone. Days, weeks, months, and years of this same pattern continued.
Running was always there for me. At first it helped me realize what I was putting my body through. It demonstrated that despite starving myself, my physical body kept showing up and putting in the work. Then one day when I pushed my body to the limit with my weight and running a marathon in intense heat, running helped me to gain respect. Later on in my journey, it helped to wash away my morning darkness. But it was not until October 2016 when I gained control of my mind and body once again.
CrossFit sort of came easy at first since I have great endurance and exceptional mental toughness. However, after learning about all of the Olympic lifts and gymnastic skills, I realized I had a long ways to go with skill and strength. But the more I went, learned, and improved, the more I was in awe of what I was learning about myself.
Even though I could run for miles and miles each day, I would still feel fatigued going up a flight of stairs while carrying one of my 15 pound dogs. With CrossFit those daily tasks improved significantly. I could pick up, lift, and toss considerable weight compared to my body size. CrossFit has also significantly improved my running tolerance and love for running as I feel like I can fly up hills and push a little harder when the miles get tough.
Of most importance though, CrossFit gave me my life back. My new found love and appreciation for the hard things my body was doing created a sense of awe and joy within me. I suddenly stopped waking up with hatred for myself.
It has now been over 3 years of the same routine
CrossFit 3 days a week and running 3 days a week. And it still brings me the same sense of excitement and appreciation for my body. Undoubtedly this excitement and appreciation is from the true strength I have gained physically and mentally from that sport. But it is also from the community. The other gym members became a second family. Maybe this is from the time we spend together or the fact that we go through some mentally and physically tough, grinding workouts together.
It is also the overall culture of the sport. There are no mirrors, no judgment in how you scale or modify the workout, and no emphasis on body image. When have you ever seen a CrossFit marketing campaign that was trying to sell a “Six-pack by summer” or “Sign up now for 4 week weight loss challenge. Never!
CrossFit has changed my life in more ways than I ever thought exercise could. Running helped me to get the point of accepting my eating disorder and recognizing I needed to change. As to what happened, deep down inside of me that allowed this eating disorder and compulsiveness to emerge, I have no idea. But for now I am okay with not knowing.
In the past 6 months I have been doing more research on self-love and how to improve my practice of this. I plan to go into more details on this in the upcoming posts. CrossFit helped to pave the way but self-love and positivity is something I still need to practice daily. If you have any thoughts, comments, or anything specific you want me to address please let me know in the comments below. Or send me an email at [email protected]